Not The Reason
by morgana07
Summary: 1-shot. Sam's POV after 9x10 Road Trip when he's alone and thinking about why he made the choice he did at the end and what he'll do now. *Thoughtful/worried!Sam* SPOILERS! 09x10 Road Trip.(A re-up)


**Not The Reason **

**Summary: **_1-shot. Sam's POV after 9x10 Road Trip when he's alone and thinking about why he made the choice he did at the end and what he'll do now. *Thoughtful/worried!Sam* SPOILERS! 09x10 Road Trip._

**Warnings: **_None really, maybe some language._

**Tag/Coda: **_09x10 Road Trip_

**Spoilers: **_Yes, there be spoilers in this story. If you haven't seen the episode then avoid it. It also may contain some minor mention of spoilers for next week, if you've seen the promo pics you may know what I mean but if not, it is minor but they are spoilers so maybe avoid._

**Author Note: **_Sorry that it's been so long since I've written. Been working on J2 stories. I hope you enjoy Sam's POV and I will try to do another one and also to write more for the boys more frequently again. This is the same story as Not The Reason He Thinks but due to glitches that was keeping the other from appearing I tried to reup under another title. Sorry for the confusion and also multiple alerts._

**SPN SPN SPN SPN SPN**

My brother thinks he's poison. That anyone who gets close to him dies or gets hurt and that's not true, or not exactly. It's not just Dean that happens to. I've had it happen to me and I've felt like that anytime Dean's been hurt over one of my mistakes so I understand what he felt…but I still let him drive off…alone.

Oh, I know he thinks it's because I agree with him or that I'm pissed because he tricked me into letting an insane angel into my body but that wasn't it. That wasn't the reason I stood there in the rain to watch my big brother, the man who'd fought so long and hard, who'd done some crazy things to save me over the years, drive off.

I let Dean go because I knew right then it was what was best for both of us. If he'd have stayed his guilt, his anger over the mistakes as of late would have eaten him up and that would have ended in a fight between us.

I need time to understand what the hell happened to me from the last thing I remember in that Church to when I woke up in whatever dream cell my consciousness had been put in by…Gadreel.

Gadreel, the Angel who slipped up and let evil into the Garden of Eden and ruined God's perfect little world. The Angel who, in my body, killed Kevin and so easily could've killed my brother while he was at it. He could have killed me and I don't understand why but I know one thing, if Dean gets close to him again I will lose my brother and that's not something I'll let happen.

Dean's on his own because he thinks he's poison, he thinks I'm pissed because I was ready to die and he lied to me to get me to stay.

"Dean didn't lie to you, Sam."

Oh, and how could I forget that when Dean left he left behind Castiel which is something I'm still not sure about. The Angel and I've come to a better friendship than we had when he first pulled Dean out of Hell but there's something about him now that makes me edgy. He seems…off and I never got to ask Dean any questions because I let him walk away as he'd let me walk away so many times.

"I was ready to die, Cas," I remember that. I remember being ready to let all of the pain and crap go but…I held on for…

"You and Dean chose one another. When he said to you that there would be no him without you he meant that so while he did trick you he was also tricked and lied to," Castiel has been hovering since we returned to the Men of Letters bunker.

Coming back here was hard because I can see where Kevin died but I also see where the nutcase pinned my brother to the bookcase and how hard Dean fought for Kevin, for me.

I understand what Castiel is saying. I know Dean only did what he's always done because like he said letting me die just isn't in him and I know it isn't. I know if he could've he would've dealt with anyone to save me just like I'll do what I have to to help him, to make him see that he's not poison.

I don't know how since I know I'm still hurt and that little fight inside my head probably didn't help. Cas said he could heal me in stages I hope so because Dean will not face Gadreel alone. He will not risk his life alone because I remember promising to show him the light on the other end of the tunnel when I started the trials and I still believe in that light.

Kevin's gone which despite Dean's denial is also on my head. Crowley's in the wind though I think he's the lesser of a lot of evils right now. Castiel is…well, I'm not certain what Cas is since he seems a little harder than he was before but that could just be me.

I let Dean go but not the reason he believes and now that I've had time to think, time to face my memories I know what I need to do.

I need to find my brother and convince him that he's not poison, that not everyone he gets close to will die and leave him and we need to put a final end to all of this crap. Angels and demons have been hounding us for longer than I like to think about and this time I've had about enough it.

Maybe we can't fix heaven, maybe we can't keep Earth from becoming a playground of warring Angels but we're still Winchesters and we'll fix what we can. I was taught by the best damn hunter I knew and I'm sick of seeing that man hate himself for just trying his damned best to do what he'd been told to do.

My father's words to 'look after Sammy' is still Dean's mantra and I know that. I'm not angry with him really. I'm angry at the lying backstabbing Angel that lied to my brother and then betrayed him and killed Kevin.

I'll go through every book in this place to find out more on tracking an Angel but the guy was in my head and I think that might be the key to tracking him down but first I want my brother back.

I'm sitting in his room and the longer I do the more I realize that this whole place feels…off. Dean's not here so it feels cold and empty. I feel cold. I want my brother back. I want him to know I don't hate him, that I don't blame him and that together we'll make this right.

"Together," the word doesn't sound as strange as it once did when we were fighting all the time. Something happened between us that healed a lot of those wounds and where Dean said if there wasn't a me there wouldn't be a him…well, that goes in reverse as well.

I made the mistake of letting Dean go off on his own once before and he spent a year in Purgatory. I barely got my brother back from that and I'll be damned if I'll lose him to Angels again.

The reason I let my brother leave? My real reason? Aside from still being in pain and not really alert enough to pin down what the hell was happening right then? I knew we needed space from one another and now that Cas has said there might be a way to track Gadreel I only hope I'm strong enough to do what that will call for.

I've texted Dean to tell him what Cas has said and what he said was needed to do it. I hope wherever my brother is that he gets it. I hope he's safe and stays safe until I can get on my feet to go find him because after I give Cas the way to track the Angel then I just want to hunt with my brother…I want Dean to come home. I want us to go back to the family business and hope we both survive to do that.

**The End**


End file.
